The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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