If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm just crazy horny about you
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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