Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
