i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
