i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
