tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
