My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize