If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
