You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
