Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
