it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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