Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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