I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
