Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
