remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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