So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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