two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
