I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
