She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
