I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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