Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
