So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize