if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize