So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I came so hard my ears popped.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
