I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
