Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
