all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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