Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
