Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Two words: nipple clamps
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