They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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