How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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