this beer tastes like vomit already
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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