So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
