i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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