he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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