My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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