so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
