K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
