youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize