Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
