I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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