I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
