Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
