I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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