I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
