i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
