they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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