AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
