I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
