Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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