I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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