we're blogging at a bar
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
