Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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