He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She needs sedatives and a leash
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
