Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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