the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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