I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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